I’m beginning to accept that I may never be in a relationship again. There are life expectations I have for myself, some admittedly selfish, but really, the idea of having to deal with another grownup who is as obstinate as I am has left me disillusioned about relationships. But I want to have kids. I want to be a father. For women, its fairy easy, go to a sperm bank, pick your choice, get the procedure done and you are on your way. What is the process for dudes? I believe its going to involve a surrogate, but where does one get a donor egg and what not? I am not looking to have a relationship with an egg donor or the surrogate, just me and the kids.
What is the process for dudes?
I am not looking to have a relationship with an egg donor or the surrogate
So you intend to impregnate a woman, wait (doing nothing) all the time of her pregnancy and giving birth, then take her child away from her, and call that a “process” and you still think of yourself not being a huge AH… I am impressed… somehow.
You don’t want to deal with an adult who may be as obstinate as you, but you want kids?
I would have a think on that before having kids if I were you
Example conversation
Me to my niece: I like the little bow on your hair.
My niece: Thanks uncle N. I want a pink one for my birthday. Don’t forget.
Me to my ex: I like the little bow on your hair.
My ex: What are you trying to say? I’m a slut? Fuck you. Who do you think you are talking to?
No, I am not kidding. She had a complicated relationship with herself, alcohol, her employer and her landlord. The previous one cheated and got pregnant, other one enabled my terrible habits and left me after I went sober and clean. I’m not expecting the exact same response but getting insulted for complimenting someone is a pain. Maybe its my choice of people, maybe its something I do or say, but I know what is working for me, hence how we got here.
Not all people are your crazy ex. The kid will say way worse than that to you they can be fucken mean when they’re pissed off at you.
I get where kids come from. I’ve been raising 3 for the last couple of years. I also get where grownups come from. Its the intent. Kids say hurtful things and lash out, I’ve dealt with that. Grownups should know better than shit on a compliment, or suck someone down with their crap, or be unfaithful. Past the age of majority, yeah, you should own and carry your bag. Excuses should be out of the window. Oh, and if you read my previous post, those were 3 exes, not 1.
Wait until your 11yo gives you the same response 🤣
I’m raising a 13 yr old girl, a 12 yr old boy and a 9 yr old boy. I’ve been with them on/off since all of them were in diapers, and I’ve been full contact with them going 4 years now. We are doing good.
We are doing good.
Yes you have repeated that so many times now.
If you can’t handle a partner, you absolutely cannot handle being a parent: I assure you it is orders of magnitude more difficult and you can’t just bail like you could in a relationship.
I’m already raising 3 kids.
wants to be a father
raising 3 kids
I think you need to read through the rest of the posts. You are missing quite a bit.
If you live in a state that allows single men to foster and adopt, that is one possibility.
And yes I’m sure paid surrogates can work with single guys. There are agencies for those.
Good luck to you.
Thanks. If all goes as I hope, I will be moving to California next summer which is when I intend to pursue this.
If you can’t deal with an adult partner, dealing with kids might not be so great for you either.
Ya, buddy. With an Adult you are dealing with another human who sometimes can be an asshole, dick, bitch, bastard, cunt , or whatever.
A kid is all those things without every giving a fuck. If you have problems with adults, you definitely will be in hell with a kid.
Nah, kids are innocent 5ill teens. All us grown ups can go fuck ourselves, we’re all set in our ways older we grow, some are grouchy fucks others are well depends where ya live USA, I trust no one other than my kids no other adults
Innocent? Buddy, my 6 yr old is the most ruthless person I know. He’ll circumvent either his mother or I depending on what he wants.
Innocent no. Aware of their actions and what consequences may come? Nah. They don’t give a fuck. It’s why we teach em right and wrong.
Had given this thought and it actually comes from here. Due to unforseen circumstances, I’ve been helping raise 3 kids for the last couple of years and I’m currently listed as their guardian. I’ve been involved with everything from diapers to after school stuff. I’m talking 85%+ of their time and needs comes from me. We went to the county a couple of years ago, to formalise some processes, and I’m now basically recognized.
However, as this situation is coming to an end, probably in a couple of months, I found it enjoyable, despite the stresses. One thing I’ve learnt about kids is that they generally don’t have malice in their intent, while adults scheme and plot. Sure, we have had bad days and tempers have flared, but had it not been this situation ending, I would have done this thing all the way through. Given my extremely soft-landing as a parent, I realized I want more of it. Kids change you. Its weird.
. No reason to make a new kid when there are kids out there who need help. Start as a foster parent and work from there.
Probable. Likely.
Lots of women do this without being judged for it. Why should OP be judged for it?
You really think women aren’t judged for being a single mother?
Not like single fathers are judged. Women are judged because people think they should have a partner. Men are judged because people think they are incompetant, psychopathic and dangerous.
Not like single fathers are judged.
Rightfully so! Most of them have killed their wives anyway.
/s
🤣
Some places have fostering with intent to adopt which is way cheaper than surrogacy, but more emotionally fraught (both depending on the kids situation/state of mind, and the risk/chance that they are reunited with their own family before adoption goes through).
If you want actual, specific, resources you probably need to specify where you live.
It’s probably not easy or cheap, but my assumption is that any dude who wants to be a parent enough to do it solo have probably thought it through well, and it sounds like you’ve had some experience and will likely be an involved parent so I’m rooting for you.
Make sure you read to them every single night before bed (even when they’re old enough to read themselves), and eat dinner together every day with no screens allowed, and give lots of hugs and kisses and 'I love you’s even when they’ve been bad, and you’ll do great.
Thanks. I hope to do this in California if my plans come to fruition. Raising these kids, yeah, I’ve learnt a lot about them, and myself. I’m terribly far from being perfect with them, but as you mentioned, reading to them, loving them and eating with them happens pretty often and works. Once they feel safe, are well fed and nurtured, and entertained, they are pretty cool kids.
I have been thinking about this for two years, but I was pretty scared to go beyond thinking because in my own society, there is social stigma around this. But I’m done with all that. I will be judged for being single, I will be judged for being a single father, I will be judged for being a divorced father, I will always be judged. I’m over that. I just want my life, and a family, and if this is how it happens, so be it.
Adopt, volunteer in an orphanage, have a weekend visit, something like that. Just know it’ll be rough being a single parent.
For women, its fairy easy, go to a sperm bank, pick your choice, get the procedure done and you are on your way.
That’s a bit of an over simplification. There’s 40 of pregnancy and birth. Also caring for a newborn is very difficult. You may be better off trying to adopt.
Oh, I know that. It was intended as an oversimplification. I know the complications that come with it. Adoption is a possibility as well.
Depends a lot on where you are, but I think odds and society is stacked against you here. In theory, adoption is a possibility, but I suspect you’d face a lot more scrutiny than a single woman would in this situation.
Saw a TV show where two dudes faked being gay, got married all to help the one guy adopt a kid. I know the odds would be far against me.
You can adopt or find a surrogant and and/or an egg donor but it’s going to be hell and very expensive.
Like six figures in cash expensive.
Yeah, I expect something like that.
I am not a parent, I am a soccer account on the fediverse, so this is the best I’ve got:
If you’re looking for a gentle on-ramp into having a kid around the house, maybe starting small with something like a home stay program is easier? My local usl 2 team and my local mls side are always looking for people to host young adults who come to the city to train, and there are a lot of foreign exchange programs (by way of example – maybe your area has something similar?). It might be easier to assess how you feel about being a single parent with a teen for a summer than an infant from a surrogate, and as much as I hate to say this, building a bit of a resume as a single man may be required for you, and something like that might help.
I’m already helping raise 3 kids and have been doing so for years. My dynamic is changing, and since I’m going solo, this is one future I want to explore and try make happen.
I also did the soccer team thing, we never won a single game this season, dang. Cleats and shinguards for growing kids pile up quick.
Welp, I did my level best. I wish you all the best in your journey.
There’s a whole business around surrogacy. It’s a moral and legal gray zone - in some jurisdictions you can’t eventually adopt a child alone as a man.
It’s expensive, too. You’re paying for the procedure, for the surrogates time and health care - and there are still no guarantees that you’ll end up with a child. Expect ~$100-150k if you’re willing to travel to exploit a woman in a third world country.
And a newborn/toddler is no walk in the park. Expect about two years of lost work.
Are you even in a financial position where this is feasible?
Sort of things I was hoping to hear. No, I’m not going to exploit a 3rd world person for anything. I came up in a 3rd world country, so just no. Professionally, I am doing alright, a year or two ago, I could not afford a McDonalds burger now, I’m received 5% gross from a logistics company that I did a project for and signed up for a %age of the action in lieu of me supporting them. I do about 10 hours a month for that, works out to around 8k gross and I have two other similar placed projects coming up, so that’s looking good.
Been raising kids as I mentioned in another thread, so this isn’t exactly new. Not easy, yup, I agree.
The process seems expensive and the information is murky.
Look into cloning yourself.
I don’t think you’ll find anyone willing to surrogate for you.
I’m not a comparative sort of person, but I’ve seen people with far greater personal handicaps than my own become parents, I don’t judge. Everyone has their own story.
Sure, by bringing children into this world to fulfill your own psychological needs, you are no different than any other parent.
Just putting myself in the head of someone who is willing to surrogate and betting they want to imagine their child growing up in a two-parent home.
I wanted to be a husband and a full time dad. I’ve tried step 1 and it did not go well. Does that mean I don’t qualify for step 2? Also, there are kids who wake up in a two parent home and end up in a single parent home, or in the foster system, or homeless. Doesn’t always work out as one intends, best foot forward is the next best alternate in my books.
No worries, man, I’m an anti-natalist. I don’t think anyone should be brought into this world, so you don’t need to justify anything to me.
The question is how you get society to give you a child, and I think you’ll have to compete with more traditional family units for the scarce resources of egg & womb. If you want to adopt pre-existing older kids, you’ll have less to contend against.
You’ll always have the risk of the mother changing mind and keep the kid i think. Children need their mother. Trying to force that life on a child because that’s your lifestyle is not selfish, it’s psycho.
The whole game around finding someone you actually like has a reason. The resulting child will have traits of both parents. Of course some of our character is due to experience but you underestimate how much of it is imprinted.
So single fathers should just give up their children for adoption (by whom?), because “children need their mother”? Go fuck yourself.
Who said anything about “forcing” a surrogate? Women do it all the time. IIRC many places have laws to protect exactly that situation - if the surrogate mother changes her mind, she may (although there will be financial penalties, as it’sa breach of contract).
