Yeah I’ve rejected apologies that didn’t address the transgression and explained directly why. Sometimes people see what you mean and you can tell they feel guilty that they’ve wronged you, even if they didn’t fully understand why. In a way that’s often good enough, as long as they can also understand why after being told.
I’ve had people categorically revoke their apology after giving a shitty “sorry if my totally valid actions makde you feel bad” sort of apology and being rejected. So you spit on the ground and tell them never to darken your vision with their presence. Easy.
I had a housemate apologize in advance for the poor behavior of his guests later that night. I don’t think I formally rejected it, but I certainly wasn’t impressed. So you know this is going to upset me enough to warrant an apology, but you’re won’t be addressing your behavior, or your friends, you’re just going to do it anyway, with a clean conscience because you’ve already apologized?
I could see apologizing in advance if you get a bit loud and to say if they’re getting too loud but any other behaviour you can’t really apologize for in advanced
If you find yourself constantly surrounded by a bunch malignant narcissists, you’re always the one apologizing, so no worries there.
The closest thing to an apology I’ve heard from these types of people is “I have my faults”. Word for word from multiple individuals.
No lie I’ve been offered this apology:
Sorry I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty darn close!
I feel like a good reply to “I have my faults,” is, “List them.”
About the same as “let’s just start fresh!”
I’m sorry that you have a find out this way, but you’ve been scammed.
Self-help books have sold you and your community the idea that abuse is caused by a mental disorder. Unfortunately, the remedy these scams prescribe - identifying people with NPD - doesn’t actually protect you from abuse, and it isn’t healing.
You won’t find healing from your trauma in ableist Reddit communities. See an actual therapist and form positive relationships with people in your community. Not “support groups” that blame all their problems on their abusers’ supposed mental disorders and engage in retraumatising. Get a hobby, spend time with friends in the hobby. Join a book club or a bouldering group or a D&D game.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is caused by genetics and child abuse. People with NPD are abuse victims, just like you. There are plenty of mentally healthy, neurotypical abusers in the world. Blaming shit on a vulnerable minority is pseudoscientific and counterproductive.
It’s not a good idea to run defense for people who are narcissists when you know nothing about them as a person.
There are people with NPD who are abusers and horrible people, just like there are people without NPD who are also abusers and horrible people. It’s naive to think otherwise.
Not every single person with NPD is this innocent misunderstood soul who deserves to be coddled in forgiveness and you need to accept that.
Oh, I’m talking about My friend, Riley. He’s a bit of a prick but he’s never abused anyone. His biggest character flaw is that he loves his rural American family, and they’re not the best about his transness.
When the apology was for something that kept repeating again and again, and so it started to lose its meaning.
Yes I have, yes it is, and I’ve learned to be a little more graceful and gracious about it.
Insincere, not addressing the issues, addressing them and repeating them, sorry-not-sorry.
Apologies (and more importantly amends) are owed and paid because they are a debt on the debtor. I am not in turn owed a receipt for either. It hurts to not get an acknowledgent, but if I’m upset that I didn’t get one, I have to start this statement over.
Worth noting I am really bad at this. Been actively trying it for exactly ten years as of tomorrow come to think of it…
I have been on both sides, and I believe the only justification needed is in the heart of the individual. Another thing to consider is that narcissists often weaponize apologies to avoid consequences. Theirs become meaningless over time to those “closest” to them.
My mother has a habit of giving insincere non apologies, and I started to reject them because I know their fake. Whether it’s the standard “I’m sorry if you are offended/your feelings are hurt”, I’m just over them. No thanks. Change the behavior.
Hey! My mom does that too!
“Sorry you can’t take a joke.”
Oh I love that one! The oh you were offended? Then I was joking of course!
I highly recommend saying "I don’t get it. Why was that funny?’ Really throws them off their game!
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I agree. But depending on the Person and their upbringing of cause, the pondering can lead to a toxic self image, if this behaviour is internalized and seen as a charakter trait instead of a misshap. Thats i think due guild shifting into toxic shame.
So i think like you said the apology is helpful for the Person doing the apology to overcome a bad feeling before it turns ok them selves if they dont have a solid way to deal with emotions
No-one has bothered to try apologizing for the shit they put me through to begin with.
Plenty of times at work, I see people give an apology for something they had no control over, or did have control over but were acting in good faith, so they’re quick to start dropping apologies to management especially, hoping that it will diffuse the situation. I’m quick to step in with “naw fuck that, this isn’t on you, let’s figure out what happened and why so we can stop it from happening again”
Most healthcare settings embrace that kind of no-fault model unless someone was actually behaving maliciously or recklessly, but… that’s only on paper. Management can still be quick to throw someone under the bus if they think it’ll take some heat off the department, so when someone starts offering themselves to the bus cuz that’s the path of least drama, I’ll redirect to systems flaws before management has a chance to act on that.
I’ve been heard to say, from time to time, that apologies only count if you also stop doing the thing you’re sorry about.
Yes, I was still furious, they didn’t even really admit to the issue.
Was it right?
I still think so, I don’t think you should get away easily if you screwed up. I think you should have the opportunity to own stuff and improve and earn the respect and trust of everyone involved through that. But nobody owes you to just move on.
“I’m sorry you chose to get torqued about it.” Nope. You torqued me off when you screwed me over.
Not that I can recall. An apology in earnest (when one has realized the error in their ways/thought, acknowledges it and wants to rebuild the bridges they might have burned or damaged by being nice and actively changing) is never wasted on me, I think.
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