Did any of you grow up in a toxic or unstable home as a kid? How did you actually deal with it, or move past it?
Looking back, home wasn’t calm growing up. Constant fighting between my parents, things a kid shouldn’t really be exposed to. I don’t even fully know whose fault it is, honestly, and part of me hesitates to blame either of them completely, because I’ve also watched both of them work hard for me despite everything falling apart between them. That contradiction is confusing on its own, seeing people cause you pain and also genuinely try for you at the same time. I’ve started noticing it in myself now, more impatience than I think I should have, reacting harder to small things than the situation probably calls for. It’s like some of that environment got wired into me without me even realizing it until recently.
I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m asking because I know I’m not the only one who’s grown up like this, and I’d genuinely like to know how people actually worked through it, not just survived it, but actually became calmer, steadier versions of themselves afterward.
A few things I’m curious about:
Did you notice the effects on yourself right away, or did it take years to even recognize the pattern?
Was there a specific turning point, therapy, a relationship, distance from the situation, or was it more gradual than that?
Does it ever fully go away, or does it just become something you manage better over time?
Genuinely trying to understand this instead of just carrying it forward without realizing it. Appreciate any real experiences you’re willing to share.
[[[[Sometimes I catch myself wondering what it would’ve actually felt like to grow up in a genuinely happy, peaceful family. Hard to even imagine it sometimes, since it’s not something I ever really got to experience firsthand._]]]]
I have complicated feelings about my upbringing. I am a Pakistani American that grew up in a Midwestern suburb. My dad’s family has anger problems. My dad used to beat the hell out of me and my brother. My mom was a young mom of 2 angry boys, so she yelled and hit us too. My aunt’s and uncles on my dad’s side had anger problems and my uncle’s used to hit me and my brother too.
I used to get into a lot of fights as a kid. I got suspended from school once for beating up a kid. I broke a million things as a kid. My brother and I got into a million fights.
But at the same time, my parents bought every book, video game, computer, whatever. My parents are both very educated and their parents were very educated. We had access to every educational thing you could ever hope for. I was always ahead of my classmates in school. My dad bought an rc helicopter and tore the engine out with me to install in a model car. I had build your own alarm clock kits, build your own radio kits, grow your own bacteria petri dish kits. I learned multiplication tables a full year ahead of my classmates. I was always a straight A student without trying. I got into college with enough AP credits to graduate in 2 years. I grew up to be a doctor and my brother is an engineer. My sister is also a doctor.
My mom had to sit me down when I was 14 to explain to me that if I kept fighting kids, I was going to end up in jail.
As a young adult, I felt like a failure and I was always angry at myself. I hated everything I used to do. I once was too aggressive with a girl in high school. I didn’t know that the world was not as angry as the house I grew up in.
I still carry the anger around with me. I haven’t gotten into a fight since high school, but I still think about it all the time. I don’t yell at people, but I want to. I’ve gotten really good at controlling it.
I finally went to therapy 7 years ago. Just to sort through all my feelings and all the problems. My mom offered to pay for it. It was the best thing she’s ever done for me.
I was given every advantage you could ever hope to give your children, but I also inherited the temper that makes it feel sometimes like I’m a psychopath. Therapy was the thing that finally helped me move past all the complicated feelings. Your parents can only do what they know how to do. They can only model behavior that was modelled to them. They love you and they tried their best. But sometimes their best isn’t the best thing for you. Life is weird like that sometimes. When you learn enough about the world, you get to decide if you’re going to carry that baggage for the rest of your life or if you’re going to do something about it. Most people decide to carry it forever, but you don’t have to.