Did any of you grow up in a toxic or unstable home as a kid? How did you actually deal with it, or move past it?
Looking back, home wasn’t calm growing up. Constant fighting between my parents, things a kid shouldn’t really be exposed to. I don’t even fully know whose fault it is, honestly, and part of me hesitates to blame either of them completely, because I’ve also watched both of them work hard for me despite everything falling apart between them. That contradiction is confusing on its own, seeing people cause you pain and also genuinely try for you at the same time. I’ve started noticing it in myself now, more impatience than I think I should have, reacting harder to small things than the situation probably calls for. It’s like some of that environment got wired into me without me even realizing it until recently.
I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m asking because I know I’m not the only one who’s grown up like this, and I’d genuinely like to know how people actually worked through it, not just survived it, but actually became calmer, steadier versions of themselves afterward.
A few things I’m curious about:
Did you notice the effects on yourself right away, or did it take years to even recognize the pattern?
Was there a specific turning point, therapy, a relationship, distance from the situation, or was it more gradual than that?
Does it ever fully go away, or does it just become something you manage better over time?
Genuinely trying to understand this instead of just carrying it forward without realizing it. Appreciate any real experiences you’re willing to share.
[[[[Sometimes I catch myself wondering what it would’ve actually felt like to grow up in a genuinely happy, peaceful family. Hard to even imagine it sometimes, since it’s not something I ever really got to experience firsthand._]]]]
Both. A lot of knowing something was really fucked up, eventuslly deciding it wasn’t because i was conditioned to it, and then re-realising later down the line. That said i had more subtle and less severe forms of abuse than most people, and i wouldn’t usually even speak about my childhood experiences as being ‘abusive.’ But i think any decent shrink would agree they were and be able to pick up in whst ways they were.
In some cases it will go right away when you manage to cut off your family for good. I guess i would advise that you see severing a connection with them as being spiritually akin to actually cutting that pain out of your life and your memory.
If you suffered something like sexual abuse then no, it’ll be harder to forget about. For me though, one thing i was subject to was verbal abuse and conditioning and i am at least confident enough in my own intelligence to not actually take that verbal abuse to heart.
You know what though? Whenever it happens with someone else, like a friend a romantic partner or a complete stranger, it’s all the more worse. Because of what i’ve already experienced. I got harassed and stalked in university and i couldn’t stop saying to myself “i hope they fucking die” et cetera. I’ve not had that before, but as a teenager i did have sleepless nights because i was so angry at the bullying and manipulative people i was surrounded by in society.
I think we get stronger and weaker from day to day in so manyways we don’t notice. Thinking about it now, i’m so past some of the symptoms of mental torment i used to have and i haven’t thought about the triggers in months. Psychologists/psychiatrists say that actuslly thinking and feeling through your trauma is what heals you and allows you to move on so i guess that’s it.