Did any of you grow up in a toxic or unstable home as a kid? How did you actually deal with it, or move past it?
Looking back, home wasn’t calm growing up. Constant fighting between my parents, things a kid shouldn’t really be exposed to. I don’t even fully know whose fault it is, honestly, and part of me hesitates to blame either of them completely, because I’ve also watched both of them work hard for me despite everything falling apart between them. That contradiction is confusing on its own, seeing people cause you pain and also genuinely try for you at the same time. I’ve started noticing it in myself now, more impatience than I think I should have, reacting harder to small things than the situation probably calls for. It’s like some of that environment got wired into me without me even realizing it until recently.
I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m asking because I know I’m not the only one who’s grown up like this, and I’d genuinely like to know how people actually worked through it, not just survived it, but actually became calmer, steadier versions of themselves afterward.
A few things I’m curious about:
Did you notice the effects on yourself right away, or did it take years to even recognize the pattern?
Was there a specific turning point, therapy, a relationship, distance from the situation, or was it more gradual than that?
Does it ever fully go away, or does it just become something you manage better over time?
Genuinely trying to understand this instead of just carrying it forward without realizing it. Appreciate any real experiences you’re willing to share.
[[[[Sometimes I catch myself wondering what it would’ve actually felt like to grow up in a genuinely happy, peaceful family. Hard to even imagine it sometimes, since it’s not something I ever really got to experience firsthand._]]]]
I think it stuck with me. We were always moving, I’ve had 2 step fathers, both were absolute shitbags. I never had a name in the house with the last stepfather, it was always jerk off, moron, idiot, etc but then always “God I’m only kidding” when confronted. Now I have literally 0 self esteem, I joke that Hitler has more redeeming qualities than I do.
As far as the always moving goes, even after leaving the house at 17, I’ve never known stability. Because of my lack of self esteem and general stupidity I ended up being uneducated working shit jobs, and am now a worthless factory schmuck in yet another precarious living situation.
As for the wondering what a happy normal life looked like, I had my mirror image to grow up with. My friend from highschool had the exact opposite life as me, happy family that gave him job opportunities, let him live rent free after highschool so he could go to college, and now he works for Intel and literally sent me a message the other day worried about how he should invest since his company issued stock grew so much he became a millionaire overnight. I’m happy for him, but it’s a real kick in the teeth to see how our lives are so different constantly. He has a house and a family and wants more property, I’m living in a garage and my retirement plan is to eat a shotgun shell deep in the woods somewhere.
The lack of economic mobility in America makes that accident of one’s birth either very lucky or very UN-lucky, because you can’t really change your stars anymore.
I’m glad if you can be happy for him, still, and not feel resentment for his amazing luck. That’s not a win that puts food I table but it’s a win.